One Grand Dame

Of course, it’s been said that a man’s home is his castle. What does that make the royal consort? Perhaps you’d like to make it official. Perhaps you’d like to rule solo. Instead of looking for a title in the bookstore, perhaps you deserve a title of your own. Read more of Roberta Beach Jacobson in “Chocolate for a Woman’s Dreams”

One of the surprises of knowing you’re about to celebrate your 50th birthday is looking back over your life and realizing how many unrealized dreams are left to accomplish. As for me, I wouldn’t mind one bit being addressed as Countess or Lady.

It was when my child became a father, making me a grandma–that I had to stop and wonder where all the years, 47 of them to be exact, had gone. Could somebody please tell me where I am supposed to go from here? Life for aging baby boomers is confusing. It all has a tendency to pass you by in a flash. One minute you’re wearing bellbottoms and demonstrating against the Vietnam War and the next moment you’re got PTA meetings to attend.

I’ve gone through the ho-hum marriage-separation-divorce routine during the last three decades. I’ve suffered through a dozen or so jobs, the night school bit. I’ve watched about 12,480 hours of television and listened to 19,500 hours of radio. I traded my LPs for 8-tracks and those for cassettes. Now I’ve got CDs.

I’ve grown, I’ve traveled, I’ve tweezed, I’ve dieted.

Yes, there’s more to life. It’s time I became a Dame or a Lady. It’s treading on new territory. I am drawn to these magazine ads about buying an English title. It’s not that expensive. Call it a mid-life crisis if you will, but I think it would be fun to not only feel like royalty, but to be treated like it for a change – especially if I don’t have to dress in fancy ball gowns and pinchy shoes.

It’s a world of Cinderella make-believe, not unlike landing a great part in a stage play, then getting to stay in that role. There’s no need kiss a frog or wave a magic wand. Thanks to the power of the Internet, the whole world of titles is now open to commoners. Everything has a price, but acquiring a title is cheaper than buying a red sports car, not to mention it’s pollution free.

The benefits are many. Wouldn’t being a Countess give me respect? Imagine that new-and- improved phone book listing, not to mention the upscale e-mail address you could create. Do you get a plaque or certificate to frame and hang on the dining room wall?

Wouldn’t high school reunions take on a whole new challenge? (Sure, I put on a few pounds, but I am a Countess and we are allowed.) It would add a unique and classy touch to my 1040 and the IRS wouldn’t dare audit me.

These are not grandiose titles with a manor house. There is no false promise of a castle in the sky, just simple, legal titles for sale. But this offering alone sounds high-end enough to this granny. I’ve not even sure if you select one that fits your personality or if they assign you one. Either way of reaching such upward mobility is fine by me and I plan to allow friends and family to continue using my first name.

I’ve ready to embark on a new adventure, one I can enjoy from the comfort of my living room. This reeks of class.

Sign me up.

I feel Lady Luck smiling and nodding my way.

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